March 2nd

Let’s get real ..

Do you ever feel insecure?

Out of place?

Unwanted?

Well, same.

Truthfully, ever since having a baby I just haven’t felt like myself. Maybe it’s partially due to PPD but, I don’t feel sexy anymore. I don’t fit in my size 6 jeans anymore. My butt, thighs, boobs, and tummy got bigger. I hate it so much. I feel insecure in anything other than sweats or leggings and a baggy shirt. It’s just my comfort zone at the moment. I feel like no one gets that.
I feel more insecure in my relationship than I’ve ever felt. I don’t have a reason but I feel constantly paranoid. I guess not constantly but close enough. I feel the constant need to obsess over the littlest things.. but how many more questions can I ask? Until my brain is satisified? Or until he’s fed up? I must look fucking crazy and believe me I’m sure I am. In truth, I hope he doesn’t read my blog posts because then that would be even worse no? The problem I have is the fact I can not open up. I speak in my head my thoughts as ridiculous as that may seem but that’s how it works for me. I close up without wanting to and converse with you in my mind because that is where I feel the safest. I can mess up and take it back and you won’t even know. Unfortunately, that’s my problem. I constantly close up and space out and don’t respond. I really want to but unfortunately I can not help it, it’s as if my anxiety and nervousness takes over me and doesn’t let me respond. It saves me from myself, I like to assume.

If you are wondering I am NOT depressed. I love my life especially even more now that I have my beautiful baby girl Zoey. I just feel depressed sometimes. Sometimes I let the ugly green monster come out and make me feel insecure. This is just how I feel right now. I have good days, I have bad days.
No matter how insecure or depressed I get I ALWAYS REMEMBER to:
Choose Love , Choose to Live , Always

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